Lucozade and Ribena sold for £1.35bn

A woman from Yorkshire has been left dumbfounded after being overcharged for some bottled drinks at her local shop. "I just went in to get my usual Lucozade and Ribena," said the unnamed Yorkshire woman, "I paid for them and left the shop and it wasn't until a short while after I realised I had been charged £1.35 billion and not the usual £1.50." Lucozade and Ribena have refused to comment as has the shop in question. "I paid the £1.35 billion and it doesn't look like I'm getting it back."

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Chinese baby 'fell into sewage pipe accidentally'

The Chinese baby that fell into a sewage pipe is now the subject of a major Hollywood film. The Chinese baby will be played, in a career defining performance, by Channing Tatum. Tatum has said; 'It's an honour to play such an iconic character. It's going to be a fun movie. Chinese baby has some real emotion to it, but it's also got action like when Chinese baby fights a sewer shark.' The film, titled Chinese Sewer Baby,
is set for release next year, and is already tipped a runaway success at the Oscars.


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Pensioners should pay more tax, argues Fabian Society

A new study shows that pensioners have been costing tax payers thousands of pounds in repair costs. Pensioners have been seen roaming around in large gangs, vandalising public property, shouting
obscenities and paying for high cost items with a skip full of pennies. To counteract this, the Fabian Society (of Outrageously Dressed Monks), has proposed pensioners to pay more tax. This has not gone down well, with one pensioner refusing to comment, instead just spitting and hurling Wether's Original at passers by.

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Internet porn: Automatic block rejected

A proposal for an automatic block on internet porn has been rejected today, on grounds that men across the world would simply have no reason to go on computers. This could result in terrible things such as more time being spent with family and pursuing life enriching pursuits. The Department for Porn (The DP, coincidentally a popular sex act) has also warned that blocking all internet porn could a have devastating impact on woodland areas, with mass amounts of printed porn being left in bushes and trees.

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Queen to attend cabinet meeting for first time

The Queen is to attend the meeting of the cabinets for the first time. Each year, all the cabinets of the land meet, including cheeky chap Premium Tall Bathroom Unit, sombre Compact Storage Shelf Unit and everyones favourite bastard, 2 Drawer Cabinet in Mahogany. At the meeting, a range of issues are discussed, from what people have been putting in their cabinets to whether or not cabinets should be allowed a say on political matters.

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Harry Styles treats Taylor Swift to sweet birthday surprise

Harry Styles treated girlfriend Taylor Swift with a dedication in his upcoming book of Russian poetry. Harry has been working on the large volume of Russian literature for a while now, and hopes to establish himself as a prominent figure in Russian literature. His first volume dedicated to Taylor swift is titled: 'One Day in the Life of a Failed Doctor in the Winter Village of Crime, Punishment and The Dead.' She is filled with joy sources say.

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The Pope's first tweet: no jokes, no kittens

The Pope's first tweet contains no jokes and no kittens. Though he does offer some interesting ways of covering up child rape.

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