Apple fires head of mapping team after backlash from customers

The man in question cannot be found. He went out for a walk a few days ago and hasn't returned. It is feared he has got lost again on Karma Boulevard.

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X Factor judge Louis Walsh settles 500,000 euro defamation case

X Factor judge Louis Walsh has settled a 500,00 euro case against whether he is a massive prick. Louis has won the case, proving he is not a massive prick, but a massive twat. And he likes it.

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How to pick a great pair of jeans: an expert's view

Sell all worldly belongings. Go to mountains. Stand under waterfall. Punch. Run out of waterfall and up hill. Que other montage related things: lift inappropriately large logs on your shoulder, chase chickens and sweat. Clear mind. Meditate. Become one with the energy of the universe. Only then can you find the perfect pair of jeans. 

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'Terminator centre' at Cambridge University to save us all from robots

Cambridge University are building a centre to protect us from the inevitable robot uprising. The real fear though is that the robots have already infiltrated us. By looking like us humans and mimicking our emotions, we perceive the robots as human. But they are not and just want to destroy us and make love to our photocopiers.

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WWII pigeon message stumps GCHQ decoders

A secret code attached to a pigeon cannot be deciphered. The Vulture Squadron was tasked with catching the pigeon, which proved more difficult than first thought. Large nets on articulated arms were attached to planes, anvils and mallets, a large fan and a 20 foot jar of jam, but all these failed attempts resulted in the Squadron's embarrassment. They could not catch that pigeon. The pigeon was eventually captured when The Vulture Squadron's leader and his dog lured it into a specially constructed cage. The pigeon, which cannot be named for legal reasons, refused to comment.

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Alex Salmond accused of wind farm 'cover up'

Alex Salmond has been accused of putting large duvets over wind farms. His reasons for doing so are unclear, but it is thought that an incident when he was a young man is to blame. Salmond's parents went through a tough divorce when his mother ran away with a wind farm, and it is thought this is what triggered Salmond's hatred of them. If he doesn't stop covering up wind farms, where will the wind be farmed? Will we have to start burning cows? If we do, Alex Salmond is to blame.

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Syrians may be better off without cheerleaders

A new report shows that cheerleaders are in fact not helping the people of Syria. From the start of this year, cheerleaders have flooded Syria, hiding in bins, dancing aggressively at locals and roaming the streets in packs. The cheerleaders were introduced to get rid of an infestation of interpretive dancers that had been harassing the locals. The plan half worked, all the interpretive dancers were mauled, but the cheerleaders absorbed their power and grew more powerful, savage and rhythmic.

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Outrage at India arrests over Facebook post

The Indian Government has setup a special task force to abseil down the sides of buildings, throw tear gas, shout scary things, and to remove any facebook users who post crappy pictures with even crapper pointless captions. The task force removes targets whilst they are using their facebook page and detains them at an unspecified location. People who describe things they have eaten and post pictures or trivial things will also be detained. People who request you to play stupid games will simply be shot.

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Church of England to vote on women bishops

The Church of England has decided that from now on, all voting must be done whilst standing on women bishops. Special platform hats are being built to support the bishops. It is thought that by standing on bishops, there will be more room in the churches and less arguments. The new stackable bishops allow for easier storage and if stacked high enough, may be able to high five God personally.

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Rylan Clark: I was fat, ginger and gay... but look at me now!

Rylan Clark has revealed he was fat, he was ginger and he was gay, but now he has some how cured these things by going on TV and bothering the nation. If Dr Rylan Clarks new treatment works, then he could cure the nation, if not the world, of fat, ginger, gay men.

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PM offers £10m to encourage academy chains

PM (Patrick Moore to those who don't know) has offered £10m to encourage academy chains. Academy chains are large gold chains that can be hung over academies across the country. The chains, range in size from 100 to 174 feet long.
It is thought that the chains will be rattled in accompaniment to Patrick Moores xylophone playing.

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