Internet porn: Automatic block rejected

A proposal for an automatic block on internet porn has been rejected today, on grounds that men across the world would simply have no reason to go on computers. This could result in terrible things such as more time being spent with family and pursuing life enriching pursuits. The Department for Porn (The DP, coincidentally a popular sex act) has also warned that blocking all internet porn could a have devastating impact on woodland areas, with mass amounts of printed porn being left in bushes and trees.

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Queen to attend cabinet meeting for first time

The Queen is to attend the meeting of the cabinets for the first time. Each year, all the cabinets of the land meet, including cheeky chap Premium Tall Bathroom Unit, sombre Compact Storage Shelf Unit and everyones favourite bastard, 2 Drawer Cabinet in Mahogany. At the meeting, a range of issues are discussed, from what people have been putting in their cabinets to whether or not cabinets should be allowed a say on political matters.

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Harry Styles treats Taylor Swift to sweet birthday surprise

Harry Styles treated girlfriend Taylor Swift with a dedication in his upcoming book of Russian poetry. Harry has been working on the large volume of Russian literature for a while now, and hopes to establish himself as a prominent figure in Russian literature. His first volume dedicated to Taylor swift is titled: 'One Day in the Life of a Failed Doctor in the Winter Village of Crime, Punishment and The Dead.' She is filled with joy sources say.

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The Pope's first tweet: no jokes, no kittens

The Pope's first tweet contains no jokes and no kittens. Though he does offer some interesting ways of covering up child rape.

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Two 425m-year-old shrimp-like fossils found - with limbs, eyes, gills and guts intact

Two intact shrimp fossils have been found, thought to be 425 million years old. In a recent interview, the shrimp explained of their ordeal of being alive for so long and being trapped under a rock. 'The whole world has just passed us by,' explained Graham, one of the shrimp. 'We've missed so much.' The two shrimp, Graham and Ron, are set to star in the upcoming series of Dancing on Ice and are in talks to host their own chat show along with launching a range of stationary. Things are truly looking up for these shrimp.

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German teenager who flew to Red Square

A German teenager flew to Red Square yesterday, after being told not to by his mother. Hans Jurgen, 16 from Dusseldorf, taught himself how to fly purely out of spite. The German Army is interested in harnessing this spite induced flight for military applications, but are struggling in making test subjects spiteful. So far, in order to induce spite, the test subjects have been called: nob jockeys, turd burglars, fag muffins, rebellious hornblowers, pube flossers, ass clowns and Daily Mail readers. The last insult did show signs of working.

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Lord Lucan 'mystery man' witness statement uncovered

Lord Lucan, the evil mastermind and nemesis of Captain Yeah, has been locked in a bitter court battle with the council after planning permission for his secret volcano lair was refused. Planning permission was turned down because a volcano ruined the tone of the cul-de-sac it was to be situated on. However, in a sudden change of events, Lord Lucan has claimed he has a 'mystery man' witness statement, claiming that he knows the true identity of Captain Yeah, and will exchange it for permission to build his secret volcano lair. And his own Nandos.

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Man attempts to strangle bus passenger with scarf

A man attempted to strangle a fellow bus passenger with his scarf after the passenger proceeded to play low quality, fuzzy dance music from his phone. It was clear no one on the bus wanted to hear it, so the as of yet unidentified man, lets call him a hero, valiantly attempted to strange the noise monger with his scarf. He received a standing ovation from the bus, including the bus driver. The man is also nominated for an OBE.

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Instagram starts filtering out hipster pics on Twitter

Instagram has started to filter out photos uploaded by hipsters, tracking their IP address, and deploying special tactical units to extract them with force. Once extracted, they are detained at Mainstream Prison where they await trial. Many hipsters have spoken out against this, but only because their prison uniforms are not slim fitting and they are not allowed to wear beanie hats. Hipsters caught uploading texts with pseudo philosophical bullshit text on them are sentenced immediately to death row.

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Frankie Dettori banned for six months after failing drugs test

Frankie Dettori has been banned from playing on horses for six months. Frankie refused to comment on whether his dealer was a horse, but he could confirm he had a long face. Barry Dettori, Frankies brother, also failed a drugs test, causing him to lose his job as a bus driver and severley limiting his chances of finding another job. But more importantly, Frankie will be back playing on horses shortly.

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Scouts may welcome atheists

Scouts are to welcome atheists into their groups. The atheists will assist scouts in the hunting down and hanging of religious people in order to gain a new badge; The Crusade Badge. Parent's of the scouts are being warned that the atheists are not that dangerous and do not usually bite. Though the spread of disease is likely so they should avoid too much contact.

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Prince William and Kate expecting a baby

The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby, though it is not known who the father is. A special televised event, complete with studio audience, will be broadcast in the upcoming weeks. The potential fathers will be able to take a DNA test as well as lie detector tests. The event will be orchestrated by Sir Jeremy Kyle of Lidl.

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