Internet porn: Automatic block rejected

A proposal for an automatic block on internet porn has been rejected today, on grounds that men across the world would simply have no reason to go on computers. This could result in terrible things such as more time being spent with family and pursuing life enriching pursuits. The Department for Porn (The DP, coincidentally a popular sex act) has also warned that blocking all internet porn could a have devastating impact on woodland areas, with mass amounts of printed porn being left in bushes and trees.

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Queen to attend cabinet meeting for first time

The Queen is to attend the meeting of the cabinets for the first time. Each year, all the cabinets of the land meet, including cheeky chap Premium Tall Bathroom Unit, sombre Compact Storage Shelf Unit and everyones favourite bastard, 2 Drawer Cabinet in Mahogany. At the meeting, a range of issues are discussed, from what people have been putting in their cabinets to whether or not cabinets should be allowed a say on political matters.

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Harry Styles treats Taylor Swift to sweet birthday surprise

Harry Styles treated girlfriend Taylor Swift with a dedication in his upcoming book of Russian poetry. Harry has been working on the large volume of Russian literature for a while now, and hopes to establish himself as a prominent figure in Russian literature. His first volume dedicated to Taylor swift is titled: 'One Day in the Life of a Failed Doctor in the Winter Village of Crime, Punishment and The Dead.' She is filled with joy sources say.

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The Pope's first tweet: no jokes, no kittens

The Pope's first tweet contains no jokes and no kittens. Though he does offer some interesting ways of covering up child rape.

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Two 425m-year-old shrimp-like fossils found - with limbs, eyes, gills and guts intact

Two intact shrimp fossils have been found, thought to be 425 million years old. In a recent interview, the shrimp explained of their ordeal of being alive for so long and being trapped under a rock. 'The whole world has just passed us by,' explained Graham, one of the shrimp. 'We've missed so much.' The two shrimp, Graham and Ron, are set to star in the upcoming series of Dancing on Ice and are in talks to host their own chat show along with launching a range of stationary. Things are truly looking up for these shrimp.

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German teenager who flew to Red Square

A German teenager flew to Red Square yesterday, after being told not to by his mother. Hans Jurgen, 16 from Dusseldorf, taught himself how to fly purely out of spite. The German Army is interested in harnessing this spite induced flight for military applications, but are struggling in making test subjects spiteful. So far, in order to induce spite, the test subjects have been called: nob jockeys, turd burglars, fag muffins, rebellious hornblowers, pube flossers, ass clowns and Daily Mail readers. The last insult did show signs of working.

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Lord Lucan 'mystery man' witness statement uncovered

Lord Lucan, the evil mastermind and nemesis of Captain Yeah, has been locked in a bitter court battle with the council after planning permission for his secret volcano lair was refused. Planning permission was turned down because a volcano ruined the tone of the cul-de-sac it was to be situated on. However, in a sudden change of events, Lord Lucan has claimed he has a 'mystery man' witness statement, claiming that he knows the true identity of Captain Yeah, and will exchange it for permission to build his secret volcano lair. And his own Nandos.

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Man attempts to strangle bus passenger with scarf

A man attempted to strangle a fellow bus passenger with his scarf after the passenger proceeded to play low quality, fuzzy dance music from his phone. It was clear no one on the bus wanted to hear it, so the as of yet unidentified man, lets call him a hero, valiantly attempted to strange the noise monger with his scarf. He received a standing ovation from the bus, including the bus driver. The man is also nominated for an OBE.

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Instagram starts filtering out hipster pics on Twitter

Instagram has started to filter out photos uploaded by hipsters, tracking their IP address, and deploying special tactical units to extract them with force. Once extracted, they are detained at Mainstream Prison where they await trial. Many hipsters have spoken out against this, but only because their prison uniforms are not slim fitting and they are not allowed to wear beanie hats. Hipsters caught uploading texts with pseudo philosophical bullshit text on them are sentenced immediately to death row.

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Frankie Dettori banned for six months after failing drugs test

Frankie Dettori has been banned from playing on horses for six months. Frankie refused to comment on whether his dealer was a horse, but he could confirm he had a long face. Barry Dettori, Frankies brother, also failed a drugs test, causing him to lose his job as a bus driver and severley limiting his chances of finding another job. But more importantly, Frankie will be back playing on horses shortly.

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Scouts may welcome atheists

Scouts are to welcome atheists into their groups. The atheists will assist scouts in the hunting down and hanging of religious people in order to gain a new badge; The Crusade Badge. Parent's of the scouts are being warned that the atheists are not that dangerous and do not usually bite. Though the spread of disease is likely so they should avoid too much contact.

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Prince William and Kate expecting a baby

The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby, though it is not known who the father is. A special televised event, complete with studio audience, will be broadcast in the upcoming weeks. The potential fathers will be able to take a DNA test as well as lie detector tests. The event will be orchestrated by Sir Jeremy Kyle of Lidl.

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Apple fires head of mapping team after backlash from customers

The man in question cannot be found. He went out for a walk a few days ago and hasn't returned. It is feared he has got lost again on Karma Boulevard.

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X Factor judge Louis Walsh settles 500,000 euro defamation case

X Factor judge Louis Walsh has settled a 500,00 euro case against whether he is a massive prick. Louis has won the case, proving he is not a massive prick, but a massive twat. And he likes it.

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How to pick a great pair of jeans: an expert's view

Sell all worldly belongings. Go to mountains. Stand under waterfall. Punch. Run out of waterfall and up hill. Que other montage related things: lift inappropriately large logs on your shoulder, chase chickens and sweat. Clear mind. Meditate. Become one with the energy of the universe. Only then can you find the perfect pair of jeans. 

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'Terminator centre' at Cambridge University to save us all from robots

Cambridge University are building a centre to protect us from the inevitable robot uprising. The real fear though is that the robots have already infiltrated us. By looking like us humans and mimicking our emotions, we perceive the robots as human. But they are not and just want to destroy us and make love to our photocopiers.

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WWII pigeon message stumps GCHQ decoders

A secret code attached to a pigeon cannot be deciphered. The Vulture Squadron was tasked with catching the pigeon, which proved more difficult than first thought. Large nets on articulated arms were attached to planes, anvils and mallets, a large fan and a 20 foot jar of jam, but all these failed attempts resulted in the Squadron's embarrassment. They could not catch that pigeon. The pigeon was eventually captured when The Vulture Squadron's leader and his dog lured it into a specially constructed cage. The pigeon, which cannot be named for legal reasons, refused to comment.

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Alex Salmond accused of wind farm 'cover up'

Alex Salmond has been accused of putting large duvets over wind farms. His reasons for doing so are unclear, but it is thought that an incident when he was a young man is to blame. Salmond's parents went through a tough divorce when his mother ran away with a wind farm, and it is thought this is what triggered Salmond's hatred of them. If he doesn't stop covering up wind farms, where will the wind be farmed? Will we have to start burning cows? If we do, Alex Salmond is to blame.

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Syrians may be better off without cheerleaders

A new report shows that cheerleaders are in fact not helping the people of Syria. From the start of this year, cheerleaders have flooded Syria, hiding in bins, dancing aggressively at locals and roaming the streets in packs. The cheerleaders were introduced to get rid of an infestation of interpretive dancers that had been harassing the locals. The plan half worked, all the interpretive dancers were mauled, but the cheerleaders absorbed their power and grew more powerful, savage and rhythmic.

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Outrage at India arrests over Facebook post

The Indian Government has setup a special task force to abseil down the sides of buildings, throw tear gas, shout scary things, and to remove any facebook users who post crappy pictures with even crapper pointless captions. The task force removes targets whilst they are using their facebook page and detains them at an unspecified location. People who describe things they have eaten and post pictures or trivial things will also be detained. People who request you to play stupid games will simply be shot.

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Church of England to vote on women bishops

The Church of England has decided that from now on, all voting must be done whilst standing on women bishops. Special platform hats are being built to support the bishops. It is thought that by standing on bishops, there will be more room in the churches and less arguments. The new stackable bishops allow for easier storage and if stacked high enough, may be able to high five God personally.

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Rylan Clark: I was fat, ginger and gay... but look at me now!

Rylan Clark has revealed he was fat, he was ginger and he was gay, but now he has some how cured these things by going on TV and bothering the nation. If Dr Rylan Clarks new treatment works, then he could cure the nation, if not the world, of fat, ginger, gay men.

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PM offers £10m to encourage academy chains

PM (Patrick Moore to those who don't know) has offered £10m to encourage academy chains. Academy chains are large gold chains that can be hung over academies across the country. The chains, range in size from 100 to 174 feet long.
It is thought that the chains will be rattled in accompaniment to Patrick Moores xylophone playing.

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Google Android event cancelled due to Hurricane Sandy

The Google Android, The G-1000, was stopped from taking part in it's scheduled event today. The G-1000 was to be sent back in time to kill the uncle of the brother of the sister of the mother who would later father Bing.

The event was cancelled when Hurricane Sandy, a hippie scientist at the time travel facility, set the wrong date and sent the G-1000 back to Victorian London by mistake.

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Obama and Romney in Final Push

Obama and Romney both helped to push the suicidal man from the ledge. Obama was quoted as saying, 'It needed to be done' and Romney was simply heard giggling furiously whilst urinating on nearby walls.

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BBC Newsnight Editor Steps Aside

                                     

The BBC Newsnight editor is stepping aside, despite being told not to. He was stood directly under the incoming volleyball when he, without warning, stepped aside. This caused the team to lose the game and everyone was unhappy with him.

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